Never did I ever....
Think I’d be pregnant in college…
Think I’d be a young mom…
Think I’d not be married with a baby…
Think I’d be a single mom…
Life.
Filled with twists, turns, bumps, tears and me. A 20 year old single mom with a 10 month old baby boy. This was not the life that I chose for myself, but I really couldn't be more grateful to have gone through what I did. It shaped and formed me into the person that I am today; and in essence, my life is so much better because of it.
Freshman Year of College: Some of the best memories I’ve ever had. Some foggy, some spontaneous, mostly crazy, and all together unforgettable. I felt like I was in the prime of my life. I had never felt more carefree, wild, ambitious, blessed, and I found myself yelling out YOLO a little too much.
Well you know what they say, its all fun and games until… I found out I was pregnant with Max and going into my second semester of college. I honestly didn't know what to do. I had never thought about having kids and didn't even know how to hold a newborn. Luckily every woman gets 9 months to figure their shit out, which is what I did and by the time I had Max, motherhood became everything to me. I was in love with being a mom, and that is when I felt the most like myself. I knew I was meant to be a mom.
But parenthood isn't easy and unfortunately Max's dad and I were not on the same page with a lot of things. I knew it wasn't going to work out. So when Max was 10 months old, the relationship ended. I remember not feeling alone because all that mattered to me was Max, but I was also sad that I couldn't give Max the perfect life with both parents. I had so badly wanted that for him. It broke my heart.
My family's love and support was what helped me get through. I had to move back in with my parents till I could save and afford a place for Max and I. That was the easy part though. We were always around family. Max was able to play with my younger siblings and I was able to have some quality time with my sisters and brother. I always had someone to talk to. They constantly reminded me how blessed I was. They were there to make me smile, laugh, and distract me from all the negativity and stress I was going through. Being there with my family was what I really needed and it helped tremendously.
It wasn't until I moved into my new home with Max that I truly felt like a single mother. This memory will forever stick with me because I feel it was a huge part my growth as a woman and as a mother.
We had very little furniture. That night it was just a couch and some fold up trays to eat on. As excited and happy I was to have a new place to call home, I couldn't help but feel lonely. As I started to make dinner, pan seared some chicken, warmed up some corn and made instant mashed potatoes. It was really refreshing to cook in a kitchen I could call my own (although I don't come close to the meals my parents make, it felt nice.)
I served Max and I dinner and we sat down on the couch with our fold up trays. That's when it hit me like a pile of bricks. I went from the comfortability of being in a two parent home, Max being able to have his dad there all the time, sharing meals together…to being in my parents home, always having someone to converse with…to now…making plans, just me, myself and Max. Just us two. My eyes started to fill with tears as I watched Max eat. I tried so hard to hold it in so that he wouldn't notice. The feeling of failure kept coming in. I felt that I wasn't a good mom because I didn't make it work out with Max's dad. I felt awful, like I was never going to be able to give Max the life he so deserves. And in that very moment, Max turns around with a mouth full of mashed potatoes and says, “yummy Mommy!”
I hugged him so quick that it scared him. But that was THE moment.
I hugged him. Tears rolling down my face, telling him how much I love him. I decided I would do whatever it took to give him the life that I pictured for him. It was going to be better, with more love, more opportunity, more laughter, and more yummy mashed potatoes. There was no way I was going to let this break me. I was so blessed to have this beautiful boy in my life and seeing him so content and happy reminded me of how content and happy I really was.
I chose to be a single mother. I chose that it was time for Max to see who I was. For him to have the best mother that he could possibly have. I put my strength to the test, I set my goals high, and my standards even higher.
And I did it! Although being a single mother wasn't a long journey for me, I wouldn't have changed it. I am married to the man of my dreams, with both of my kids beside me watching me be the best person I could possibly be.
For me being a single mom was filled with love, I loved waking up with Max next to me. In-home movie nights were a daily occurrence. We laughed so much, went on lots of fro-yo dates. I always got extra kisses, hugs, smiles. I was everything to him and he was and is everything to me. Those are the memories that I will hold so close to my heart. When it was just Me, Myself and Max, they were some of the best moments of my life.
I want to remind all you sexy mamas out there that there is nothing wrong with being a single mama. There is nothing wrong with putting your happiness first, revising your situation, building your empire, and building goals with a baby on your hip. If those are the things that are going to make you a better mother and make you one step closer to giving your children the life you want for them, then I applaud you. Don’t ever feel stuck, dependent, or less than. You’re going rock motherhood. Always show your strength. Never let being a single parent define you. You give the definition, meaning and power behind those words. Remember there is nothing sexier than motherhood.
Stay Sexy, Slay Motherhood
Sexymamadiaries
Editor: Justine Rodriguez
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